How to Release Shame

I recently started a new certification with The Embody Lab—the Integrative Somatic Trauma Therapy Program. In one of our recent classes, we explored how shame can block us from fully stepping into the healing process, both personally and collectively. As we started to discuss shame, I could actually feel it showing up in my body—my breath became shallow, and my shoulders slouched. It was as if my body reacted before my mind even caught up.

If you take a moment to define shame for yourself, you might notice something similar—maybe a subtle contraction?

What is shame?

Shame can be described as the belief that we are inherently flawed, bad, or unworthy. It’s different from guilt, which typically focuses on specific actions (e.g., "I did something bad"). Shame tells us something much more devastating: I am bad. It’s a deep, core belief that we are unlovable, unworthy, or somehow broken. This belief often lies at the heart of many of our fears, anxieties, and struggles in life.

It’s important to recognize that shame is not just a mental construct—it also has a somatic presence. It can manifest in the body as physical sensations such as shallow breath, slouching shoulders, or a heavy feeling in the chest. This connection between shame and our physical body is where the nervous system response comes into play.

The Biology of Shame

Shame is biologically wired into our nervous system, particularly through the freeze response. When we experience shame, we often feel numb, hopeless, or immobilized, as though the weight of it is too heavy to carry. In this state, we may withdraw or isolate ourselves. Our body’s way of "shutting down" is its attempt to protect us from the overwhelming feelings of shame.

However, while we are biologically wired to experience shame, our bodies are not designed for prolonged immobilization. Living in this state for extended periods can lead to deep emotional and physical distress.

The Origins of Shame

For many of us, shame begins in childhood through the messages we receive from caregivers and the people who are meant to nurture and support us. Comments like “You’re a bad boy” or “Stop being stupid” can create deep-rooted feelings of shame about our personhood. The problem arises when we internalize these messages and feel that we are inherently bad, rather than recognizing the hurtful behavior as the issue.

Without repair from our caregivers or those we look up to, this belief becomes entrenched. We begin to believe that it’s not just that we made a mistake, but that we are the mistake. This belief continues into adulthood and manifests in various ways, from difficulty forming relationships to a constant need for approval.

So, how can we start to release this deeply rooted shame? There are two approaches I’ve found helpful: 

Top-Down Approach

The Top-Down approach involves working with our thoughts and beliefs. Here’s how it works:

1. Notice the Thought: Pay attention to the common thoughts that come up when shame is triggered. You might hear something like, “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m unlovable.” You can use any specific sentence that resonates with you.
2. Ask, "Whose Voice is That?": Once you’ve identified the thought, ask yourself, “Whose voice is that?” Chances are, that voice might sound a lot like someone from your past—a caregiver, a teacher, or a critical family member. Recognizing that the voice may not even be your own can help create some distance from it.
3. Reframe the Thought: Instead of identifying with the thought (e.g., "I am unlovable"), acknowledge that it is simply a thought you are having. Rephrase it: “I have the thought that I’m unlovable.” This slight shift creates some space between your identity and the belief.
4. Challenge with Opposite Thought: Begin to introduce a more compassionate thought: “I have the thought that I am lovable.” You don’t have to believe it right away, but this exercise helps you begin to break the cycle of shame-based thinking.
    

Bottom-Up Approach

The Bottom-Up approach works directly with the body. When we experience shame, our body tends to collapse in on itself—shoulders slouch, breathing becomes shallow, and we shrink down. In this approach, we actively work with the body to shift this physical experience.

1. Step Into the Shape of Shame: Begin by allowing your body to naturally sink into the posture associated with shame—your head might dip slightly, shoulders slouch forward, and your back may round. It's important to approach this gently, so keep the intensity at a low level—think more like a 2/10. The goal isn’t to overwhelm yourself but to simply notice how your body feels in this posture. How does it affect your breath, your energy, your emotions? This step is about awareness, not intensity.
2. Shift to the Opposite Posture: Now, slowly move into the opposite posture—stand or sit up straight, with your shoulders back and your heart expanded. Feel the difference in how your body responds.
3. Move Between Postures: Begin to gently move back and forth between the contracted, shame-based posture and the expanded, confident posture.
4. Return to a Comfortable Shape: Finally, settle into a neutral, comfortable position and notice how you feel. Are there shifts in your emotional or physical experience?

Closing Reflection

Releasing shame is not an easy or quick process, but it’s a powerful step toward healing both trauma and the false beliefs we hold about ourselves. It requires both mindset shifts and somatic work. Remember, shame is not something you are; it’s something you experience. By shifting how we think about it, and how we physically embody it, we can start to unravel the grip that shame has on our lives. Shame is not the end of your story. It’s a chapter that can be rewritten.